Hello
by Kusco
Summary: Annie's three month stint at the FBI wound up being extended to over a year. But she's finally coming home to Greendale! Jeff has prepared for her arrival, hoping to pick up where they left off. What he doesn't know is that his life is about to unravel. Spoilers for the Finale.
1. Chapter 1

"You coming to the paintball game Professor Winger?"

Jeff looked up from his briefcase, which admittedly was mostly full of exercise magazines, and at afro student. He had just dismissed the class and most of them filed away in a hurry, eager to get to the school's opening social.

"I can't believe they're leading with that this year," Jeff muttered.

"What?"

"Have fun," Jeff said. "Only students are allowed to play."

"But that never stopped you before did it?" afro raised a brow, almost a challenge.

"It does this year," Jeff said then nodded toward the door.

Afro left and Jeff watched until the last student hurried out. Once he was alone he let out a long sigh and continued packing his briefcase. More files and magazines made their way in until only a single bit of space remained. Jeff paid one more glance to the room, making sure he was alone before he slipped a key into the lock keeping the bottom drawer of his desk closed.

A smile came across his lips when he saw what waited for him inside. Well, not for him specifically, something for someone very important to him. Something for someone who was coming back to him today.

Quietly he slipped the package into the briefcase, shut it then twisted the number tumblers a couple times just for good measure. No one, at least no one at Greendale, would be able to get into that briefcase.

His watch beeped and Jeff fixed his eyes on the the clock. Was it really that late!? He had to go! The flight was arriving all too soon and traffic around the airport always promised to be hell. He had to get underway. This had to be perfect.

He had it all planned out in his mind. He would pick her up and help her with her luggage until they got to his car. Then he would pop his trunk as though he was _only_ putting her suitcase in there. That's when he would open the briefcase and surprise her!

Outside, students rushed past his room to get to the social and Jeff thanked whatever power that he could, that his physical frame allowed him to plow through the river of students to get to his car, the opposite direction that the crowd was flowing.

His watch beeped again and Jeff rushed out the door.

...  
" _I still think it's hilarious that you're doing this,_ " Britta's voice came over the car's speaker phone.

"What? People pick other people up from the airport all the time," Jeff shrugged, even though she couldn't see him.

" _People do, but Jeff Winger doesn't_ ," Britta said.

"It's Annie," Jeff said. "You might remember her? Short girl, brown hair, part of our Core Four?"

" _You have apparently been keeping up with Abed's blog_ ," Britta said. " _So what have we been with Abed and Annie gone? The True Two plus the Dean and Chang? Doesn't have much of a ring to it._ "

"I'm going through a tunnel and it's made of all the lame created by your wordplay," Jeff said.

" _Seriously though you do realize how big a deal it is that you're picking her up right? Like just you._ "

"No one else could do it. The Dean is running the paintball war while Frankie is on sabbatical, Elroy doesn't arrive with his new wife until tomorrow. Abed is sleeping off his jetlag after flying in from Alaska, You're supposed to be working. Who else is going to pick her up? And why are you complaining? Having her back means you won't have to keep ducking the landlord when he comes for rent money."

" _I'm not complaining Jeff, I'm thrilled that Annie is coming back_ ," Britta said. " _I'm just making fun of you because you've been crazy ever since she said she was coming back.. Jumping anytime someone says her name, writing texts to her only to erase them and rewrite them, snapping at anybody that sits in her 'seat' at the bar._ "

"Seriously, you're breaking up," Jeff glared at the speaker.

" _I'll just be happy to have the old, less crazy you back when she gets here_ ," Britta said. " _Good luck Jeff._ "

"Thanks Britta," Jeff said and felt a surge of nervous energy in his chest. He didn't need luck... did he?

The airport P.A. announced another flight delay but Jeff only barely paid attention. The display screen clearly said that flight TW738 from DC had arrived... Annie was on her way!

Jeff paced up and down the receiving area, occasionally casting his eyes at the escalator that would bring the flight passengers out of the airport promenade and down into the receiving area. Any moment he would see Annie in that crowd.

"Hey watch it!" some little girl shouted as Jeff almost stepped on her. He did his best not to glare at the kid. Didn't the little punk realize that Annie was coming back to him? His Annie! Finally back after so long! Her three month internship wound up being extended another three, then another three. Then some bigwig had taken notice of her and offered her an extended stay in some sort of fellowship program. All Jeff knew was that it added another six months. She missed an entire year of Greendale. And then, when it finally looked as though she was going to return for the summer... one of her fellow trainees had invited her to go on a three month trip back packing across the world.

She kept in touch and visited a few times, it was Annie and no matter where she went, she left her heart at Greendale. But every day she was gone Jeff found he missed her more and more. During a couple of her visits he had almost broached the subject with her, about the possibility of... them. But in the end he always lost his nerve. As long as they didn't talk about it, the implied message of that night at the end of "season 6" was still good.

But something had changed just before her trip. She started calling more and more and their conversations grew longer and longer. They mostly talked about her internships and adventures. But for the first time in a long time, Jeff felt at ease with her again. She'd even started talking about coming back.

And she started using words like 'us' and 'we' and Jeff felt a spark rekindle deep inside himself. A version of his fantasy life with her started creeping back into his head. Not as idyllic as the housewife fantasy, but he began entertaining the idea of the two of them together again.

The best part though, the best part was how at ease Jeff had begun to feel during those calls. While there was still a lot left unspoken between them, Jeff felt an immeasurable relief at feeling that he could talk to her... about anything. Especially how much he hated _Ant-man_.

He expected a lot more conversations like that now that she was finally coming back.

"She's coming back," he muttered wistfully to himself, drawing a couple of curious eyes from surrounding strangers.

Jeff let out a small cough and glanced at his phone. Annie hadn't texted yet to say she had landed. That was okay. Even though she had sent him an update with every take off and landing when she flew over there to begin with. Same went for the times she visited. Always texted her flight status. But maybe her phone battery died.

Another announcement came over the P.A. this one Jeff listened to but it was about some sort of engine failure or something on some other flight. It didn't matter then. The board still said that Annie's flight was ontime and landed.

A large crowd of travelers arrived at the top of the escalator and Jeff straightened himself up, his breath catching in his throat. He scanned the passengers for any sign of brunette locks and maybe a yellow or purple cardigan. His foot tapped against the tile with quickening speed as the crowd came through the security doors.

Many simply rushed to get a good place at the luggage carousel while others let out excited screams at seeing loved ones again. Hugs were exchanged, carry ons were taken away, and more than a few walked past Jeff while ordering a cab on their phones. Still Annie hadn't been among them.

Jeff glanced at his watch, then the electronic board, searching for any sign that he had been mistaken. But it still read that her flight had landed. Another crowd came down the escalator and he again stood at attention, searching the group for his Annie. Again he was disappointed.

A half hour had passed and Jeff had lost track of the amount of times he'd checked his phone for any sort of text from her. He'd already dismissed the idea that this was some sort of prank. Annie didn't roll like that, at least not by herself. He had texted her a couple of times and even just out and out called her but he never got a reply.

He even went so far as to talk with a very unhelpful TSA agent to see if there might have been any reason that she wouldn't be allowed to leave the promenade. The answer was no, the same answer he got when he asked if he could go up there and look for her. In fact, that almost got him escorted out of the terminal.

In the end he'd taken a seat on the carousel and continued to watch the escalator. Britta was texting him at this point,wondering what was going on and he could only feel the nervousness, and fear, and worry gnaw away at his insides. Something must have happened to her. Something horrible! Kidnapped or attacked. Something! There had to be a reason she wasn't there and wasn't answering her phone.

Jeff finally broke down and went to the nearest ticket kiosk and began work purchasing a flight to DC. If this was the only way, he would make ends meet with what was left of his paycheck. At the very least he would be able to get onto the promenade and maybe get some answers.

Then, just before he was about to purchase an overpriced ticket, his phone buzzed. Had it been in his pocket he might have fumbled for it but after checking for texts so many times it was practically a permanent fixture of his hand now. Unfortunately it wasn't Annie calling in.

"She's not here yet Britta," Jeff said as soon as he answered. "There's got to be some sort of goof up with the flights or something."

" _Jeff..._ " Britta said and his phone beeped, letting him know he'd just got a text.

"What?"

" _You haven't gotten Annie's text yet have you_?"

Jeff furrowed his brows and pulled the phone from his ear. The text that had just arrived... from Annie. Disregarding that Britta was still on the line, Jeff opened the text and stared at it.

" **Everything's okay. Can't talk, will explain later. Don't wait for me**."

" _Jeff_?" Britta's voice came. " _Hello? Are you there_?"

Jeff's eye caught a couple embracing after clearly spending a long time apart. His head went numb and his body reeled. His fist tightened around his phone and before he knew what was happening he'd thrown it across the room where it shattered against a concrete wall.

She wasn't coming.

She wasn't coming back to him.

All the noise and the hustle and bustle of the airport faded into the background and Jeff found himself just staring straight forward at the escalator as if hoping that this was just a cruel joke and Annie would be walking down those stairs.

He had no idea how long he stayed there. Someone who had apparently picked up on his emotional state handed him the remains of his phone and he took them absentmindedly. His mind ran over the last few conversations he'd had with her as he desperately searched for some sign as to why she wouldn't be coming back.

Finally his mind fixed on a thought. It sped into is brain with bullet speed and cut through all other memories and thoughts. The one thing to fix this entire thing.

He had a bottle of scotch in his trunk.

Jeff wandered through the crowd, barely aware that they existed. Had she been decided that she didn't want to come back? Did she maybe meet someone and he talked her into not going? Maybe the FBI offered her a full ride somewhere better than Greendale? He needed a drink in the worst way. Maybe she found someone in Europe, some beefy Italian that was every bit as good looking as he was but also had an accent to boot. He needed the glass in his hands.

Finally after what seemed like an unending journey of footsteps and misery Jeff reached his lexus. His eyes went to the front seat. The place Annie should have been sitting. He walked around to the back and popped the trunk. He wasn't stupid. He would sit in his car and get drunk, and then call a cab to take him home. He'd get the car tomorrow as he worked through the hangover.

Jeff opened the trunk and froze.

The scotch was there but he'd suddenly forgotten about it.

The briefcase wasn't there. Jeff looked around, almost as though it might have wandered off on its own and was playing hide-and-seek. Then he remembered the last time he saw it... in his office. He'd left in such a hurry... he'd forgotten it.

A new, manic feeling came over him. It didn't matter if she wasn't there to receive it. Jeff wasn't about to let those animals at Greendale get their grubby hands on it. They wouldn't know what to do with it or worse, Neil would take it and give it to Vicki and pretend that he had thought of it.

Not on Jeff's watch. Not today.

Jeff jumped into his car and sped off.

...

Starburns slinked around the corner gripping his paintball gun. He had the perfect strategy this year. Camping. He would sit in his own hidey-hole, with his back to the wall, and shoot anybody that passed by. Eventually he would get everybody. It would just take longer. But he would win. He would finally win! He just had to get there first.

A couple of students that he didn't recognize came around the corner but Starburns jerked his hand reflexively and managed to shoot them. A smile crossed his lips. He could do this. Maybe he didn't even need to camp. He had already taken down any challengers and he was becoming the alpha dog.

Almost to his location, Starburns opened the door to a new hallway and almost ran straight into Winger. His hand fumbled for his paintball gun but he managed to stop himself, yet still kept it jabbed into Winger's chest if he needed to.

"Hey Winger, out of the way, teachers aren't playing!"

Winger didn't respond. He just glared at Starburns' gun then back at him. There was something off about him... something scary. Starburns started to back up, keeping the gun leveled at the man in front of him. He'd seen enough crazy off this guy over the years not to mess with him when he looked close to flipping.

"Winger... look man if you're going to be weird go be weird away from me. I have a game to win."

Finally Winger let out a grunt then stepped out of the way. Starburns felt that smile return. He just told Winger, the Big Man on Campus to get out of the way and he did! Things finally were turning up Starburns!

"You know Winger," Starburns said. "You've really let this job neuter you."

"Whatever Alex," Winger said. "I'm just going to my classroom."

"Good, I'll let everybody know who's the new king now," Starburns said, standing a little taller at hearing Winger refer to him by his real name.

"Fine," Winger rolled his eyes, brushing past him.

"I'll start with Britta..."

"Good luck with that."

"Then I'll pick up the brunette when she gets back."

Winger froze and his entire frame stiffened up. Starburns gripped his gun and shrugged his shoulders, ready to laugh as Winger just took it like the spineless wimp that he had become. He really was top dog now!

"You wanna take that back Osborne?" Winger said.

"No, but I wanna take her back to-"

Starburns didn't know what happened. One second he was taunting Winger the next the man became a blur of motion. Starburns' gun flew up to shoot but was slapped out of his hands. Moments later Winger was standing over him pumping paintball after paintball into his chest until he finally fell to the ground.

Winger kept going until he emptied the clip and Starburns trembled and held his hands up in pure terror.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

"Give me your ammo Starburns!" Winger growled. "Now!"


	2. Chapter 2

Britta shook her head as she pulled the paintball clips from the quivering hands of the guy she just shot, the others in his group also handed up their clips. She loved paintball as much as the next gal, but they'd all promised each other that this year they wouldn't participate. For realsies. She even scheduled a shift during the opening social so she wouldn't be tempted. Yet here she was.

It was Jeff's fault of course, as were most things. But in this case she didn't have any ire stored up for him. Not really. She'd known for a while that something had changed between Jeff and Annie since just before she left. Britta found herself strangely okay with the entire thing. But now it was looking to fall apart and she knew Jeff was probably not fully in control of his own actions.

She couldn't let that happen. Not just for what Jeff might do to the school, but what he might do to himself. He had taken it hard when Annie didn't come back after her first three months, but instead of sliding further down to darker habits... he changed. Britta caught him actually teaching his class once. When she asked him about it he mentioned having spoken to Annie and how she'd given him some ideas on the lesson. He had even taken charge in some of the Improve Greendale Committee meetings. It was like he was trying to make a better version of himself for Annie to come back to.

And Britta didn't want to see the old Jeff any time soon. But she would if she couldn't help him. Because as bad as things were now... The worst part was yet to come. And Britta couldn't decide if she should be the one to break the bad news, or if she secretly hoped that she wouldn't have to and Jeff would see Annie's latest status update on his own.

But she would have to deal with that when it happened. Right now she had more pressing issues.

"You," Britta motioned her gun at the one student in this little group she hadn't shot yet. "What's this year's theme?"

"What?"

"The _theme_ jackass. Every paintball game has one. What's this years?"

"P...pirates."

"Good lord they're reaching now," Britta rolled her eyes. "You got a handkerchief in your pocket there, you used it at all?"

"No?"

"Good, give it to me."

"Why?"

"Because the theme is pirates and I need to start looking the part."

The student handed Britta his handkerchief and she proceeded to tie it to her head. The students she shot began limping away but she wasn't completely done yet.

"One more question, any of you taking law?"

"I am?" one of them said.

"Professor Winger, you seen him?"

"Teachers can't paintball."

"I don't think that's stopping him this year," Britta said. "And right now I may be the only one that can. You seen him?"

"Magnitude mentioned seeing him heading toward his classroom."

"Good, now get the hell out of here, paintball is going to get ugly this year. Savvy?"

"What?"

"Getting in character," Britta said, turning to make her way towards Jeff's office.

"Well you just Britta'd it."

Britta let out a huff through her nose then spun around and shot him in square in the chest.

"Only my friends get to say that to me."

...

His clothes were torn and he'd already bruised himself in several places but he didn't care. He'd fought his way past scores of students and janitors but he didn't care. He'd even threatened to eat Redhead student's soul if he didn't buzz off, but that didn't matter.

He'd finally made it back to his room. At least he'd managed to accomplish one thing today. Now that that was over he full intended to reach his next more important goal. That one was a the bottom of a bottle.

How could he have been that dumb? To actually think that there was a chance for them after everything that happened? Annie was young, and had her whole life ahead of her. She clearly had made the decision to actually enjoy that rather than spending her time with a guy that would just drag her down in the end.

And he deserved it. He had known how he felt about Annie for a very long time yet he didn't act. Deep down he knew before he put on Borchart's love headphones and he didn't act. Then, after he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loved her, he sat on that knowledge for a whole year. He could remember no less than twelve times that he should have said something, but each time he either got wrapped up in his own issues or chickened out. Annie deserved better than him.

It was time to drown his sorrows and let the contents of that briefcase both mock him and console him with what might have been. None of it mattered now. Annie said specifically not to wait for her. What other way was there to interpret that besides her letting him know that now _she_ was letting _him_ go?

Then he opened the door and the resigned calm he'd lulled himself into at reaching his door fled.

It was gone.

The students... those goddamned students had taken it!

Without even realizing it, Jeff had ejected a clip from his paintball gun and slid in a new one. He would find the punk or punkette that took his briefcase and shoot so much paint at them there would be a silhouette shaped like them against he wall.

He was about to spin around and charge back into the school but a sudden slow clap held him in place. He looked back into his room and spotted Chang. He could only conclude that the briefcase had given him such tunnel vision that he somehow missed the diminutive Chinese man dressed like a pirate.

"About to get some payback Jeff?"

"Who took it Chang?"

"Oh I don't know," Chang shrugged. "It was gone when I got here... we're talking about a sandwich right?"

"My briefcase!"

"Oh, no idea there either," Chang said. "But I can tell you're about to do something crazy and stupid, and I want in!"

"No undergrad or co-ed wins!" Jeff said feeling a thrill of anger running up his spine. "It's teachers verses students!"

"Chang yeah!"

"Come on Ben you're not even trying anymore!"

"Fine, fine, I'll do better next time. You were saying?"

"Let's burn this shithole down."

...

She had gotten a little cocky. She admitted that now. There was no real way of getting around it. Sure, she knew she was still the only one around that could take Jeff out of the game if he was doing what she thought he was doing, but that didn't mean she could take on an entire crew of pirates armed with paint pistols. Particularly when that crew was headed by Mike and all of them were one hundred percent committed to the theme.

"Yarrrr!" Mike screamed as he and his crew blasted paint at the overturned table she hid behind. "Up yer ballllls!"

Britta rolled her eyes, she had to find a way out of this. She was _not_ getting taken out of the game by a meat-head like this. Of course any time she inched just a little to peek around the corner, she would almost get clipped by a paintball, so either she would need to make a crazy dash for it or wait them out.

"Captain!" she heard one of them yell. "I just scored more ammo from the math club!"

"Load em up boys!"

Britta let out a disgusted grunt. So much for waiting them out. She had to be smart, she had to be unexpected, she had to do something that would really change the game and give her a chance of getting out.

"Hey Mike!" she called out.

"That's Captain Mike chick-dude!"

"Fine Captain Mike... time out okay?"

"What?"

"Time out, I'm calling a time out."

"I don't get it."

"You know, a time out! Like when two people are playing a game and-"

"I know what a time out is boob-face. I'm saying I don't get why you think there are time outs in paintball!"

"Because deep down you're a... decent guy?"

That was met with riotous laughter.

"Oh come on! I'm not even here to play! I'm trying to find Jeff Winger!"

"Who?"

"You know who Jeff is! He beat the crap out of you a few years ago!"

"I think she's talking about the Vengeful Phantom," she heard one of Mike's crew say quietly.

"You're looking for the Vengeful Phantom!" Mike said. "Are you nuts?"

"Who... someone please explain during this time out we're taking!"

"We're not taking a time out!" Mike shouted. "And someone explain the Phantom!"

"Of all the legends of the sea The Phantom is the spirit of Vengeance," one of them said in hushed tones. "They say he roams the halls with another, smaller but just as deadly spirit at his side. He seeks to find and shoot those that stole his buried treasure, all that cross his path die instantly, cast into Davy Jones Locker room and are given automatic f's if they're in his class."

"That's not how the story goes," another said. "He's searching for his lost love, the one that left him and promised to return, only she never did, now he seeks to make all hearts as black as his and to shoot anyone that may have joy yet."

"Look it doesn't matter which version!" Mike said. "The point is that to meet the Phantom is to meet pretend death!"

Britta shook her head. "How are there legends of the sea? The game has been going on for two hours!"

"Don't question sea lore sea-bitch!" Mike shouted.

"Oh that is it! Time out is over!" Britta cocked her pistols and whipped around. She didn't care if this took her out of the game. She was going to make sure that she took this asshole with her.

Even as Mike's crew leveled their guns at her, shots rang out, but none of them came at Britta. Instead she watched as they lurched forward, groping a their backs where they'd been hit. Britta tried to see what was going on but Mike was still in and firing at her.

In a burst of motion she rolled to the ground, feeling the air of a paintball whiz past her head. The moment she curled back upright she fire, hitting Mike squarely between the legs. The bully fell to his knees in pain and Britta stood triumphant.

But she didn't care, she was more concerned with who had so expertly taken out Mike's crew. They slowly began to disperse, a couple of them dragging Mike away. Once they finally cleared out, Britta got a good look at her ally.

"Abed!" she jumped at him, ignoring the fact that he was dressed head to toe as Jack Sparrow. She hadn't yet seen him since he got back. Abed laughed and wrapped her in a hug. She cringed just slightly when his arm skirted over a gash on her elbow. The price of paintball inspired acrobatics while wearing a sleeveless pirate blouse.

"I thought you were sleeping," she pulled away.

"My body could feel that paintball was happening," Abed said. "Like a sixth sense or spider-sense... let's go with spider-sense."

"So you just happened to have a Jack Sparrow costume lying around?" Britta eyed him up and down.

"I went to the Dean's office," Abed said. "For whatever reason he didn't want this costume. I figured I'd grab it before Jeff did."

At mention of Jeff, Britta's smile faded. "You haven't seen him have you?"

"No," Abed said. "But I know he's here and I know why."

"Annie's text," Britta said.

"Or her status update."

"I don't know if he's seen it yet," Britta said. "I think he destroyed his phone again."

"We need to find him before he gets a chance to connect then," Abed said. "Some of the students have been talking about buried treasure, smart bet says Jeff is going to be there."

"Let's go," Britta said.

"We should take care of your cut first," Abed said. "We're not far from Jeff's office, we could clean the wound with some of his scotch, he might even forgive us later."

"If he did have scotch there and we used it, he definitely wouldn't forgive us," Britta said. "But he cleaned out his liquor supplies a few months ago."

"Jeff's not drinking at school anymore?" Abed raised a brow. "Character development."

"Chyaw," Britta nodded. "Character development that's about to go out the window if we can't find him before he does something stupid."

...

"This is so stupid!" Duncan yelled out, leaning his entire weight against his office door. "I'm a Professor! I'm not playing!"

"Everyone plays!" Todd bellowed through the wood. "If you're on campus you're a target."

"I don't even have a gun!"

"Says the man working for the East India Trading Company!"

"That doesn't mean a thing! The stake my ancestors had company went defunct when it did!"

Todd just laughed and slammed the door again. Duncan pressed on shoulder against the door while trying to stretch out the other one in an attempt to grab a chair, or a bookshelf... anything he could use to barricade the door with. How was skinny Todd this crazy strong?

Just when Duncan didn't think he could hold out anymore, he heard a manic laugh... one that he recognized all too well. Moment's later Todd screamed out in pain while thuds of paintballs reverberated on the door. Duncan took the opportunity to grab his chair and jam it against the knob.

In the end, it didn't matter, the person behind the door turned out to be even stronger than Todd and the door burst open moments after Duncan placed the barricade. To his surprise it wasn't some roided up student but Jeff and Chang, both dressed assorted pirate gear that looked like they'd taken it off of dead students. Jeff looked especially formidable with his torn, castaway, looking shirt showing everyone just how jacked he was.

"Oh Jeff, you scared the biggie out of me!" He looked them over again, noticing the insane glee in Chang's eye and the haunting anger in Jeff's. "In fact you still are... if you'll excuse me I need to slink my way to the bathroom."

Chang threw a gun at him and Duncan reflexively fumbled for it until he caught it and looked at them in confusion.

"You're joining my crew Duncan," Jeff said.

"You're crew... no... no Jeffery I can't do that. I've never participated in paintball and I'm not about to start."

Chang aimed his own weapon at Duncan.

"I said you're joining my crew," Jeff said.

"Y... you're press-ganging me!?"

"Call it whatever you want," Jeff said. "We're changing the game. Teachers vs students. Time to show these snot nosed brats what a real paintball game looks like. Come on Duncan, think about it. Every year you come here in the vain hope that one, just one of your students will really actually understand what you're trying to say. And yeah, a lot of them take one credit then leave and you don't care. But there are other ones that take your first class, then your advanced class, then your even more advanced class and you find yourself actually learning their names and you get excited when they answer questions and when they look at you that certain way that makes you feel like the teacher you always wanted to be until they leave you to go to some other better college with even handsomer professors even after you told them how much you admire their work and how empty your classroom will be without them! Don't you want to get some pay back for that?"

"I do!" Duncan growled and stood up a little straighter. "But to be clear I have no bloody idea what you were talking about just now beyond hurting students."

"Good enough!" Jeff yelled and threw an eye patch into Duncan's hands. "We're going to rendezvous with the Ladder's professor next."

"I love that guy!" Chang said.

"He's stone cold," Jeff said. "Let's go."

"Oh Jeffery, before we go," Duncan said. "I was wondering if I needed to bring anything extra to the welcome home mixer you were planning."

"You were planning a mixer?" Chang said.

"It was just supposed to be a Core Four thing," Jeff muttered. "Let's go."

"Yes but will Annie be bringing her new beau?"

"What?"

"Sorry that's an old word for significant oth-"

"I know what it means Duncan. What the hell are you talking about?"

"Oh you haven't seen? Oh my..." Duncan said tried stepping around him. "You know I think I know where the Ladders professor makes his lair."

Jeff grabbed Duncan's collar and pushed him back in the room. "What. are. you. talking. about. Duncan?"

"Annie's facebook status... it... you know she updated it..."

"What did she say?" Jeff loomed over him and his eyes widened with a touch of madness. "Did she miss her flight or something!? Tell me she missed her flight Duncan."

"It wasn't a post. Just an update... the one that says she's... 'in a relationship'."

Duncan, a registered psychologist knew how to recognize the stages of grief. That was psychology 101. What he didn't expect was to see most of them play out all at once in Jeff's face. The way his friend's eyes fell, then lit up in anger, then darted back and forth as he tried to process it before finally turning steely gazed and distant.

"Makes sense," Jeff said. "Let's go, the Ladder's Professor isn't going to help us destroy the school by himself."

"Um... Jeff I'm not sure you being in the game is healthy-"

"Then we're going to find rum," Jeff said. "Lots of it."

"Rum... you say? Oh what the hell, I never did like this school anyway."


	3. Chapter 3

"Have you been keeping in touch with her?" Britta said as they made their way down the hall. "I mean during her trip?"

"She hasn't had much phone service," Abed said. "So I probably have about as much information as any of you."

"Maybe," Britta said. "But she might say things that she wouldn't say to me... or Jeff."

"Because anything she says to you would get back to Jeff," Abed nodded. "Again, I don't think I know much more than you and more to the point, she hasn't mentioned whoever she's in a relationship with to me."

Britta halted them as they neared a corner. They'd learned years ago that one always had to be prepared for an ambush. Abed nodded as they prepared themselves, guns at the ready to fire. After a silent count to three they both rolled into the next hall, only to find it empty.

"It's not that I have anything against Annie finding someone," Britta said. "She's a grown ass woman, she can date whoever she wants. I was just under the impression that something was going on between her and Jeff."

"And you're okay with that?"

"Of course I am." Britta cocked her head to the side. "Jeff and I have been over for a long time now. You know that."

"I haven't seen you guys in close to a year," Abed said. "It's been just the two of you this entire time. Also you tend to be more into Jeff whenever he's getting his act together... or when he helps you be worse. Either way the two of you have had a classic spin off opportunity."

A student popped out of a classroom to shoot them but he was gunned down before the door even fully swung open. Britta and Abed barely paid him another glance before continuing down the hall.

"Well as meta as that would have been," Britta said. "Jeff and I have just been friends ever since you guys left. What about you? I still never found out why you were up in Alaska of all places and why you came here from there. Everything alright with your show?"

"Technically I guess," Abed said. "It struggles with low ratings and is constantly on the bubble but I think it's because the tech savvy crowd it attracts uses new media to watch it rather than traditional methods that the networks like to measure."

"Sounds familiar. What about Alaska?"

"The show is partially funded by some eccentric millionaire," Abed said. "He or she cuts the checks but sometimes makes strict shooting demands. We were filming a forest scene and the sponsor insisted we shoot in the Alaskan wilderness, then just a couple days ago that was apparently not good enough and we were told to go to the Colorado Rockies. So here I am."

"Eccentric millionaire? Please don't tell me you think you're working for Batman."

"Batman is a billionaire. And I can recognize reality from fiction Britta," Abed said. "Which also means that I can recognize that I'm back at Greendale for a reason. The timing is too tight. I just happen to be sent here at the same time that there's paintball and Annie is supposed to come back but doesn't? It would feel forced if it wasn't here."

"What, you think it was destiny or something?"

"More like or something... or someone."

"What?"

"Shhh," Abed stopped them. "I hear something."

Britta paused too, gripping her pistol as she listened. It was a low, eerie moan, the kind that would normally chill someone to the bone. But they were both acquainted enough with that particular sound to know who it was coming from and to not be particularly alarmed by it anymore.

Abed opened the doors to the next hallway. It was completely empty all except for one lone figure, hanging by his pants off one of the wall fixtures. Britta covered her mouth as she looked him up and down.

"Pretend Dead Men tell no tales," Garrett moaned.

"Garrett?" Britta said. "It's me, Britta? I was the coolest person at your wedding remember?"

"You're not Elroy..." Garrett muttered.

"Help me get him down!" Britta said as she and Abed started work on loosening Garrett until he came free, his pants torn up. They got him situated on the ground and Abed handed Garrett a flask to drink from.

"What happened here mate?" Abed said, narrowing his guy-liner ringed eyes.

"It... it was the faculty," Garret said. "My crew... we were trying to get to Wild Turkey Cove... the cafeteria. It's a port of call... a place of refuge, but then the faculty came, waving the black flag!"

"The faculty?" Britta said. "Was Professor Winger with them?"

"With them!? He's the captain! The Vengeful Phantom!" Garrett said. "He was merciless! Those that he didn't kill were taken to Davey Jones Locker Room! He took my wife! They took my wife and a couple others then hung me here as a decoy and a warning!"

"Why is he taking students to the locker rooms?" Britta said, looking to Abed.

"We'll know once we get there," Abed said.

"Are you crazy! No one who goes there ever returns!"

"Exactly," Abed said and a rakish smile crossed his lips. "We here be the only two scalawags nutty enough to try and breach Davey Jones Locker Room by ourselves. Savvy?"

"Not with just two clips of ammo between us," Britta said. "We should go to Wild Turkey Cove and get some ammo first."

"Wait a minute," Abed said. "All this thematic talk distracted me from something important... Garrett, they put you there as a warning and at..."

"Distraction..." Britta muttered.

Their realization came too late as the sound of running footsteps echoed toward them. They drew their pistols only to see Professor Whitman barreling at them at full speed. They took aim but quickly noticed that not only wasn't he dressed in a costume, but he had no gun.

"Go!" Whitman said. "Go it's a trap! It's a trap!"

Abed and Britta barely had a chance to look at one another before the door behind them and in the hallway in front of them suddenly burst open and teachers filed out. The baby talk teacher, the fry cook teacher, Admiral Slaughter and even Professor Holly, all of the streamed out from their hiding places, aiming their pistols and surrounding them. A small group broke away and grabbed Whitman.

Abed and Britta closed their backs to each other, randomly pointing their own pistols at the teachers but they knew deep down that there was no escape at this point. The teachers had played on their concern for their fellow student with utmost care and cunning.

Once all the teachers had surrounded them, the thrust Whitman at them all the while brandishing their weapons and jeering on all crowd seperated slightly and Chang strode forward. Both Abed and Britta jabbed their pistols in their direction but he marched ahead confidently.

"Perry, Nadir, and the Turncoat," Chang said. "Good to see the gang getting back together. I can't tell you how happy I am that we caught you."

"Please don't try," Britta said. "I don't want to vomit."

"Ben, this is madness, even for me!" Whitman said.

"Captain Wingbeard gave us special orders regarding you," Chang said. "You'll come with us if you know what's good for you."

"Wingbeard?" Abed said.

"Don't worry, he doesn't like the name either. Now come on!"

"Where are you taking us?" Abed said. "Davey Jones' Locker Room?"

The teachers around them laughed as did Chang. Abed and Britta were left to look at each other in confusion. Maybe everything they'd heard about the place wasn't true? The legends were only two hours true after all.

"No," Chang said. "The Captain knows you didn't take his treasure, you two are going to the Teachers Lounge."

The teachers led them out of the hall and through the other winding corridors of Greendale. At one point they crossed the Quad and they were treated to a particularly disturbing view of the Giant Hand the Dean had placed there in their sixth year.

At some point someone had defaced it, knocking off the middle finger then reattaching it with wire so it was now flipping the bird. The Luis Guzman statue had been redecorated to be a pirate which Abed commented wasn't such a stretch because of the _Count of Monte Cristo_.

"Abed... what about the Dean?" Britta said, hoping that the wind that had picked up wouldn't carry her voice to their captors.

"The Dean?!" Chang piped up. "Who said that!? You all know the price to pay for saying that name!"

"He's part of the resistance," Whitman whispered.

"Were you?" Abed said.

"That would imply that I'm playing this game," Whitman said. "And while I fully endorse partaking in a bit of escapist fantasy every now and again... it's going too far now."

Britta pursed her lips and Abed shook his head. Apparently there was more going on than they knew. And based on the looks flitting across the faces of the teachers, it wouldn't be a good idea to talk about it while they were surrounded. So they marched in silence.

Almost to the administration building, Chang held a hand up and the teachers suddenly froze in tense silence. Those that didn't draw their weapons at least grabbed them on their belts. Finally Chang let out a breath and signaled the rest to continue going.

"What the hell was that?" Britta said.

"A thorn in our side," Chang said. "One that will very soon know there's no escape, we may have lost them once but we'll find them again."

"Wow, thanks for shedding light on that," Britta said.

"I say we let this play out Britta," Abed said. "With Whitmore's presence and a couple of other things I've seen... I think we're about to experience a tonal shift similar to the second year's paintball game."

"What?"

"We're here," Chang said, opening the door to the administration building and guiding them past the receiving area and then through the offices. Britta managed a quick peek a the dean's office, hoping to catch any clue to what happened to him. All she managed to see was the dean's door, which had his name crossed out with paint.

Finally the reached the teachers lounge. Britta and Abed managed to exchange glances before they were shown in. No turning back now.

They'd seen the lounge a couple of other times but it had received a complete pirate makeover, complete with jolly roger flags, kegs made to look like barrels of rum, stockpiles of paint pistols and even what looked like paint canons. Around them, the teachers, dressed as pirates or pirate wenches fired filthy looks, especially to Whitman. Finally Britta's eyes were drawn to the far end the room where a partition of furniture, curtains and blankets had been erected.

The teachers started gathering around throwing jeers and slurs their way all the while chanting for the captain to come out and deal with the two captives. Chang gulped down something from a keg then waved to everybody before going to the back of the room, past the partitions.

After a few moments there was some movement with the curtains and Britta expected to see Jeff come out. Either that, or she expected Chang to return and either have the pretend killed or bring them back with him. Instead Duncan, who had also one hundred percent dedicated himself to the theme, immerged. The crowd whooped loudly as he pulled off his tricorn hat and waved it in the air.

"Abed... what's going on?" Britta whispered.

"Jeff has finally gone around the bend," Abed said. "... just watch."

Duncan jumped up on a table and the crowd howled.

"Teachers! Janitors! Coaches! Britta!" Duncan said, with cheers following every word but Britta's name. "Set down your drinks and put your best faces forward... I know that will be hard for some of you! You're all about to be graced with the presence of the Professor of Pain! The Maestro of Misery! A man so smart he skipped his degree, a man so hard his nipples could cut diamonds! Now give him a very big hand, but not too big because lord knows his ego might blow the top off the room. I give to you... Captain Jeff Wingerrrrrr!"

The crowd erupted in bellows, applause and even swooning. A flap from the partition flipped aside and a tall man presented himself. At first Britta looked past him, wondering where Jeff was, but as she looked on, she realized that it _was_ Jeff. He wore a full pirate captains get up, complete with a feathery cap, a large coat and a long curly wig. Her eyes even went to his hands, half expecting one of them to be an actual hook. Abed had been right, Jeff had gone straight out of is mind! She'd never seen him wear anything like that on his own!

"Sometimes I both hate and love being right," Abed muttered.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Jeff mounted the table, only barely giving Duncan time to jump off. "I can't tell you how much I feel like I've wasted my life when I look down at all of you and realize you're my colleagues! Each of you is a tribute to the kind of crappy student that flushes their lives down the toilet when they come here! Some of you thought you could come here and make a difference..."

The crowd laughed heartily at that line and more than a few teachers shoved Whitman in the back.

"... but most of you would have just been happy enough to just go a full week without one of those sloppy, stuck up, miscreants peeing on your desk! Every year you've watched these animals tear apart the school in these paintball games and you've never been able to do anything about it! Well that time is over. Now we're in on the action and the students will soon be gone! Greendale for teachers!"

"For teachers!" the faculty cheered. "For teachers!"

The crowd continued to cheer and make merry. Britta took them all in until she finally caught eyes with Jeff. With the faintest of nods he signaled them to follow him. Slowly they got up and, along with Whitman, made their way to the partition, taking special care not to make sudden movements in case they read that wrong and someone tried to stop them.

In the end they encountered no problem and they came into Jeff's "cabin" as it was. He had lounge chairs set up as well as piles of unopened booze. On top of that he'd set up a hammock and put a nightstand next to it stacked with magazines. Jeff gestured for them to sit a a nearby table, one filled with chicken fingers, cakes, pies, and just about every unhealthy item on Greendale's menu.

"Come on in my friends," Jeff grinned, taking his hat and wig off. "Make yourselves at home. Mi casa es su casa, as we didn't learn in Spanish class."

"Um... Jeff?" Britta said.

"Watch yourself Britta," Jeff took a seat himself and began cutting himself a large peice of cake. "If my men heard a student calling me by something so informal they might think something was up. Abed it's so good to see you! And you came in costume! This couldn't be better! Sit! Sit both of you! Whitman you can just stand in the corner, I'll deal with you later."

Reluctantly they seated themselves and watched as Jeff left the slice he'd cut on the serving tray and instead put the entire rest of the cake on his own plate. He stuffed a large forkful into his mouth and motioned for them to dig in.

"Are... okay Jeff I'm really worried about you," Britta said.

"You are?" Jeff said with his mouth full. "Why this cake is fantastic!"

Britta and Abed exchanged a glance before she went forward.

"Where to start? You're dressed in a costume, you're leading some bizarre crew of teachers against the students-"

"You're locking other students up," Abed added.

"And I don't think I've seen you eat this many carbs in the entire seven years we've known each other!" Britta finished. "This isn't you Jeff!"

"Sure it is," Jeff said. "It's the me Greendale has always wanted me to be. I've just finally accepted it."

"Greendale doesn't want anything from you Jeff," Abed said. "It's a school. A school where the lines between reality and fiction sometimes seem to blur but they never actually do, it just allows us to think that. In the end it's just a school."

"You're right," Jeff said. " _My_ school. A school where we can eat, drink, and do whatever we want."

"Jeff this isn't the right way to deal with what happened with Annie." Britta said the mirthful look on Jeff's face faded but she kept going. "This is just like when Troy left and Abed had us play Hot Lava."

"You mean original Abed," Abed said. "Clone Abed did nothing of the sort."

"I agree with our bio-engineered friend," Jeff said. "This has nothing to do with Annie."

"Oh come on Jeff!" Britta said. "Until she didn't show up at the airport you were leading the charged against paintball. Now you're putting the banana in crazy town banana pants."

"I know how you might think that," Jeff poured himself a drink. "But the truth of it is I'm actually finally happy! I realized that I'd been fighting what this school has been doing to me all these years and it was making me miserable. This is what I want!"

"When have you ever wanted this Jeff?" Abed said. "These are the types of shenanigans I used to have to force. Now you're the one retreating into a fantasy."

"A fantasy? I'm having fun, I'm cutting loose... Have you seen the amount of whimzy that surrounds us? I have a hammock! I'm seizing the day!"

"This isn't seizing the day Jeff, have you not learned anything?" Whitman stepped forward. "I don't know all the details but based on what your friends have said I can see this is a reaction to having your heart broken. Seizing the day would be to truly feel that emotion, sobbing on a friends shoulder, realizing that life goes on and maybe writing a poem about it! This isn't a way to live an actual life!"

"An actual life?" the table thudded slightly as Jeff put his tumbler down. His eyes blazed as he stood up. "Let me tell you about my actual life. Before I came to Greendale I was successful, I had money and respect. Before I came to Greendale I could stay up as late as I wanted and drink as much as I wanted because I didn't have class the next day. And most of all I could look in the mirror every day and see a guy I liked instead of... before I came to Greendale I was happy."

"Jeff," Britta said. "You told us that Greendale saved your life... that we saved your life."

"And I meant it," Jeff said. "At least the part about you guys. That's why I want you to join my crew. Abed isn't a student anymore and you can easily drop out Britta. Greendale took our lives away from us and we'll never get them back. So why fight it anymore? Why try to be a better person, or improve the school? Why try to watch what you eat or limit how much you drink? We'll have paintball every month, and hot lava games, and crime family capers! We can finally live a life where we don't have to care."

For a long moment Abed and Britta remained silent. Jeff stared at them earnestly with what at first looked like excited, even giddy eyes. But Britta could make out the long lines beneath them and even see the slight tremors in the corners. The strange veil of happiness he'd been showing them seemed thinner than ever.

"Jeff," she said. "Do you really want to go back to a life where you didn't care about anyone? I know what you're going through is hard but you've lived life enough to know that... that it gets better."

"No..."

"Britta is right," Abed said. "You think I didn't want to completely disconnect with reality after Troy left?"

"Both of us," Britta said.

"And it took me a long time to realize why he had to leave and that I had to move on," Abed continued. "And I still miss him Jeff. He was my best friend, the only friend I ever had that I felt accepted me. He knew what my problems were but he didn't care, he believed in me. But he had to go be his own person and just because he didn't come back didn't mean that he suddenly stopped being my friend. So yeah, it's still hard, but I wouldn't be honoring his friendship if I just gave up."

"It's not the same," Jeff said quietly, not meeting them in the eyes. "Your problems... they were things that you were born with. It's not because you're not a go... she... you actually had the chance to explore your relationships with Troy. Annie... because of me..."

"Jeffery," Whitman neared again even reaching out and patting his fellow teacher on the shoulder. "The greatest of all pains is regret, but that doesn't mean that the things that _did_ happen aren't as important to cherish. And if you look up, right in front of you, you might see a new and brighter future."

"Jeff," Britta said taking his hand. "It's okay, you can talk to us about her. We both know how you felt. But confronting this pain... this is honesty... this is what you need to move on so you can let her go."

Jeff locked eyes with hers and very suddenly his hand slipped out of hers. He stood up, his entire frame shaking. Britta found herself reaching for a gun she didn't have, in the end she grabbed one of the plastic spoons. Anything for defense, she knew _this_ Jeff all too well.

"No, not this time," he said. "I let her go before and actually tried to be the person she thought I could be. And look what it got me! You want to know why I'm doing all this? It's because I know there's no point to any of it! If you try if you don't it doesn't matter because in the end those regrets just exist to mock you! So you're either with me or against me. Which is it?"

"Jeff, we're with you," Britta said. "We're your friends."

"But we're not going to help you self destruct like this," Abed said.

"Fine," Jeff shrugged then looked at his partition walls. "Chang!"

Chang appeared almost instantly. "Yes Captain Wingbeard?"

"Don't call me that," Jeff said. "These two are going to the Locker Room, take a squad and make sure they get there."

"Aye sir!"

"Jeff," Britta stood up but a couple of the coaches were already coming through to take them away. "Jeff she wouldn't want this for you! She wouldn't want this! Let go of me fascist! She wouldn't want this!"

"I said get them out of here!"

"Aye Captain Vengeful Phantom!"

"Don't call me that."

"The name you're looking for Jeff," Abed said as they grabbed him. "It's actually really simple. It's not Wingbeard or Vengeful Phantom, or any sort of pirate name. The name that most fits you is one you know well. If you keep going down this road, you'll just wind up being a lonely, bitter, old man who acts crazy to get attention and make people feel sorry for you. The name that will most suit you is Pierce."

"Get him out of here!"

"Screw Pierce! You're Hitler! You're Stalin! You're the opposite of Batmannnnn!"


	4. Chapter 4

In all of the paintball games they'd had at Greendale, this one had to rank pretty low. Not the lowest of course. That was a tie between their mobster year and the imaginary paintball that Jeff cooked up in his brain just before he graduated.

Britta still remembered how much they laughed at him when he told them about it. Though she had to admit that while he went into great detail about the evil versions of each of the study group, he only got vague when it came time to describe Evil Annie. Regardless of that odd realization, it probably ranked as the worst.

But this one wasn't far behind.

Britta didn't even get a chance to shoot Starburns.

Add the total downer that seeing Captain Jeff was, and the fact that they were being led to a prison... it almost didn't get any worse than this.

"Chang," Abed said. "What are they going to do with Whitman?"

"None of your business student," Chang muttered as they made their way out of the administration building. Low, dark, clouds hung over the school, as if just waiting for the right moment to drop all hell on them.

"I'm not a student Chang," Abed said. "I'm alumni."

"Don't bother talking to him Chang," a chubby bald professor that Britta didn't recognize growled. "In fact I think that you should let me shoot him."

"Jeez," Britta said. "What butted up your butt?"

"It's Professor Sheffield," Abed said. "He taught a class on 'Who's the Boss'. He holds a grudge against me."

"More like a blood oath really," Sheffield shrugged. "Abed has been forever banned from my classes."

"If you can't take a little bit of overly detailed criticism delivered in an ultimately underwhelming way, you shouldn't be teaching classes on sitcoms," Abed said.

"You should have respect for artistic interpretation instead of simple imdb statistics!" Sheffield almost broke ranks from the posse escorting them to Davey Jone's Locker Room.

"Oh now break it up!" Professor Sean Garrity stepped between the pair. "Television is the weakest of the performing arts, it's hardly something to kill each other over. Besides, Captain Wingbeard was very clear that these two are not to be taken out of the game."

"Your day is coming Abed," Sheffield said.

"Quiet, all of you," Madame LeClair said. "We're approaching the Luis Guzman statue. That's student territory."

"If they attack us you won't be able to dance your way out of it," Britta said.

"You're the worst!" she snapped back.

Chang's hand went up and everyone hushed. Even Britta. She knew far too well that paintballers often weren't particularly discerning on who they chose to shoot, and that was at the best of times. In a situation like this they were more likely to take lay waste to every one of them and let God, or the dean, sort it out.

"Paintballs at the ready ya seadogs," Chang said. "We got a loner out here."

The tension lifted from the teachers and more than a few cocked their pistols. Silently, Chang pointed at a few teachers and directed them to perform some sort of maneuver using only hand gestures. Again, Britta found herself baffled at how elaborate this game had gotten in only a few short hours.

"Stay close," Abed whispered, inching closer to her, all the while the teachers stalked out to catch the student.

"What?"

A whistle cut through the air as if in answer to the question. The teachers immediately around them tightened up. Chang randomly pointed his pistol in any possible direction the whistle could have come from.

From the left, a paintball hit the baby talk professor. From the right, Professor Longbottom fell to the ground as blue paint splattered his chest. The teachers returned fire and utter chaos erupted. Chang barked orders, students dressed in odd costumes fell from trees or popped out behind bushes. Madame LeClair cradled Professor Sean Garrity as he gave some overly dramatic death speech.

For their part, Britta and Abed huddled to the ground during the initial volley. Without guns, and with their hands tied, they were more likely to get caught in the crossfire than anything else. But as the battle waged on, they still couldn't tell who was coming out on top. After a few quick glances to get their bearings, they nodded to each other, knowing this might be their only chance to escape.

The pair bolted for the Luis Guzman statue, dodging paintballs as they went. Britta thought she heard Chang yell something but she merely kept going. Once they reached the statue they would be out of the immediate danger zone and be able to figure out where to go from there.

But almost to their destination, Abed stumbled to the ground. Britta spun around to see Sheffield grasping the young man by the ankle with one hand. Without a thought she launched herself at him. However, Sheffield managed to get his free hand on his paintball gun and fire at her. She fell on her ass to avoid getting hit and only just rolled out of the way of another volley.

"Forget about me!" Abed shouted. "Britta go! I'll be alright! Go!"

Sheffield squinted, a clear sign that he was actually aiming this time. Britta locked eyes with her friend and somehow just knew that, yeah, he would find a way to survive and be okay. She hated doing it, but the stakes were too high, by Greendale's standards, to risk one of them being taken out of the game yet.

"I'm sorry Abed!" she shouted as she turned and ran. Paintballs whizzed past her ears and she just kept going, hands bound in front of her and all. Up ahead she spotted the statue, almost to it.

With a final burst of speed she reached her destination. Behind her, she couldn't tell if the battle was still going on or not but she quickly ducked behind the statue to provide cover and a hiding place. Now she just needed to work on finding a way to get her hands free.

Before she could do that however, she heard a rustle of movement behind her. She spun around to see Neil and Magnitude standing there. But that wasn't the part that most caught her attention. No, it was the fact that neither were dressed as pirates. Magnitude wore a wizard's cloak that Britta swore was the same one Pierce wore during their first and only April Fool's day, and Neil looked like a civil war soldier or something, complete with blue cap.

"A stray..." Magnitude said. "Let's kill her."

"Wait," Neil said. "That's Britta Perry."

"I know who she is, but look at her. She's not on our side."

"She's a student," Neil said.

"She was on that teachers committee."

"But she could be the one, the one we heard was coming to save us."

"That's a myth, a twitter myth!"

"What if she is? If we shoot her we'll never know."

"Fine. Britta, you're coming with us."

"Oh you have got to be _kidding_ me!" Britta said. "Now I'm your guy's captive!?"

"Quiet!" Magnitude said. "The Dean will know what to do with you."

* * *

Jeff downed another tumbler of scotch... the last one actually. He'd already sent Professor Isakson out for rum. If they were going to get drunk they were going to do it while committing to the bit.

From his make shift "Pirate King Throne", he surveyed his pack of scallywags and wondered why it was that he never actually took the time to know any of them. They were his colleagues after all, it only made sense that they would hang out. Instead he'd wasted most of his free time with students or the Dean.

The pirates laughed loudly and slapped each other on the back while talking about grading papers and stealing supplies from the stock room. Others threw empty beer cans at Professor Whitman, sitting with an almost bored expression in a dunking booth the dean apparently purchased behind everyone's backs. And then Jeff remembered why he wasn't friends with any of them. They were all terrible. But that was okay, he didn't need them for much longer. And as long as he maintained the position of "Captain" they were his subordinates.

His eyes met Whitman's for a moment and a twinge of guilt stung at him. He didn't like many of his colleagues, and that went for Whitman too... but despite that, he also begrudgingly respected the man. If only he hadn't been so resolute in helping the students out...

Jeff was about to look away when he noticed Whitman perk up almost as though he heard something. With an almost automatic reaction, Jeff felt for his paintball gun but no sooner did he get it than Whitman pointed at the door.

Something clicked in the back of Jeff's mind, something buried, something he wanted to bury under memories of fine scotch and winning cases. But it wouldn't stay down, it snapped through the fog of booze and depression like a rocket. Two simple words.

 _Hope Points_.

Jeff stood and moment's later Duncan and Professor Cligoris appeared in the teacher's lounge entryway, dragging a student along with them. The young woman pulled and jerked with such furor that at first he didn't recognize her, but his heart leapt up into his chest as he saw the brunette hair.

It couldn't be...

"Let go of me!" Annie's unmistakable voice came. Jeff dropped his gun.

His ears had to be playing tricks on him...

She fought against the teachers and threw her head back, her hair flying free from her face. It was her, her blue eyes livid and angry but so... so Annie! Other teachers broke off from their revelry to aid Duncan and Cligoris. She locked eyes with him and he suddenly felt only a few inches tall. She came back and this was how she was seeing him... She would hate what he had let himself become.

"Jeff!" she called out, and there was no anger in her voice, no judgement, just a plea, full of hope and longing.

"Annie!" he lunged forward, throwing off his pirate cap. "Let her go! Let her go!"

The pirates that paused and looked for an explanation were immediately bowled over as Jeff ploughed through them, even shoving Cligoris onto his ass when he didn't let go of fast enough.

Ignoring all the other teachers, what they were saying, what they might think, Jeff scooped her into his arms. He wanted to keep it together but his eyes clouded with tears. He couldn't cry, he couldn't let her see him like this... plus his guy-liner and pirate mascara would run.

"Jeff, I'm so sorry," Annie said. "I missed my flight and my account was hacked!"

"No Annie," Jeff said, in the corner of his eye he saw Whitmore smiling proudly. "What I did... what I've done. I shouldn't have. I just..."

"I know Jeff," she cupped a side of her face and he leaned into it. "... I love you too!"

Before even another solitary thought could get through, Jeff pulled her in for a deep kiss. Everything he suffered and went through, the long lonely nights, the doubt and the worry, melted away as their lips pressed together firmly and sweetly.

Jeff pulled away only to recoil in horror. Annie wasn't there, instead replaced with the the leering, horrible face of Pierce... dressed in his hot dog costume. Jeff tumbled backward, planting his back on the hard tile, all the while Pierce cackled madly.

"That kiss was street's ahead Jeff," Pierce bellowed.

"No!"

"Tic Tock Jeff!" Pierce said. "It's only a matter of time before you're as old and alone as me.!"

"No! No!"

"Ha ha! Gaaaaay!"

"Noooo!"

Jeff jerked and toppled out of his hammock. He heard a commotion outside his cabin but his world spun as he tried to collect himself and figure out what the hell just happened. Slowly his breath eased and he realized that it was all a dream... Pierce was still dead.

It was just a dream... Annie wasn't coming.

"Jeff? Are you alright?" Duncan came into the cabin. "You were screaming."

"It's nothing," Jeff growled, pulling himself to his feet. "How is Professor Burnside coming along?"

"He's almost ready," Duncan said.

"Good, give me your phone. I need to tweet something."

* * *

The closer they got to the library, the weirder things got. Where before random pirate flags or pictures of anchors decorated the hallways, now it all just seemed to be a hodgepodge of random things. One wall stood adorned with left over bear/dogs from the Fat Dog Dance. Others sported remnants of the Old West End of the Year Social. And still others brought shudders up Britta's spine with reminders of the Tranny Dance.

"What's with the decorations?" Britta finally said as they neared the Study Room.

"Quiet Pirate!" Magnitude said. "You wouldn't understand."

"That's probably true, but on the off chance that I would, some context would be nice."

"The Dean will tell you," Neil said. "If he thinks you shouldn't be killed."

"This is so ridiculous!" Britta said. "You guys know I'm not a teacher!"

"You dated the Vengeful Phantom," Neil said. "That's an offense punishable by death if I ever heard one."

"That's fair," Britta sighed.

Just shy of the Study Room, they veered a sharp left and instead of going in they went to one of the back exits. This one Britta recognized, it led to the basket ball courts and picnic table area. They didn't stop there either. Instead, they kept going to a fenced off area that she'd never been to but she recognized, the remains of the Secret Garden that once held the illegal trampoline Pierce broke his legs on.

Without Joshua, the racist gardener, the weeds and shrubs had overgrown everything until just getting through to the garden itself proved to be a challenge in and of itself. Magnitude lost his wizard hat three times in some branches and they had to double back each time until they retrieved it.

Finally they came to a clearing and Britta wished she was stuck in the brambles again.

Students crowded inside it. Each wore a different costume or part of a different costume. Vicki looked like a big game hunter, Leonard might have been the Red Baron, and Todd was Davey Crockett. The thing that really caught her attention... was how most of the costumes... didn't seem to really fit. At least unless the student was short and thin.

As Britta neared, the students cleared a path until they came to the remnants of the trampoline. The rails and the plastic cover had been lashed together to form a rudimentary shelter.

A shelter covered in opera masks.

"What in the Eye's Wide Shut..." Britta muttered, only to be halted by Neil.

Magnitude continued forward and entered through one of the flaps. Britta thought she heard hushed words and harsh tones. When the speaking finally stopped, Magnitude reemerged, followed by a very pasty native American.

Well... not exactly a native American, in fact, if Britta could think of any way to describe it, it would be like if Mad Max and Tonto from that God-awful Lone Ranger movie had the world's most horrifying omnisexual baby. Either way, Britta could only stare in complete disbelief in the Dean's latest outfit.

For a moment the Dean looked stern and strong in a way that Britta had never seen him before. The fact that his glasses had disappeared probably had a lot to do with it, but for just a moment she thought that maybe the Dean knew how to fix this. He was the leader of the students after all. That had to mean something...

The illusion broke the moment the Dean broke into tears and rushed to her for a desperate hug.

"Britta!" he wailed. "It's come to this! I'll take any help I can get!"

Britta tentatively patted the Dean on the back while the students around them groaned in disappointment. Magnitude rolled his eyes and Neil looked to be on the cusp of telling everyone to look away. Finally Britta decided enough was enough and extricated herself from the Dean's arms. No small task with her hands still bound.

"Okay Dean... you wanna go ahead and explain to me what the hell is going on here?" She said.

"Hey!" Neil said. "You can't talk to the Dean in that tone of voice!"

"It's okay Neil," the Dean said. "I actually find it very soothing right now."

More groans and Britta couldn't help but notice how many students had their paintball guns out. The Dean seemed completely oblivious and small knots twisted in the pit of her stomach. Why was she suddenly feeling like she would be better off in the locker rooms?

"Dean..." she said. "Maybe we should talk in your... trampoline?"

"Oh nonsense we can talk out here!" the Dean said. "You will not believe the day I've been having!"

"Somehow I doubt that you can say anything to me that I won't believe at this point," Britta said. "But you're right that we can talk... because I'm not a teacher or even Greendale staff after all."

"Well," the Dean said. "You did serve on the Activities Committee. You practically were a member of the faculty."

The students began closing in.

"But I wasn't!" Britta said. "I'm a psych major! I'm not even a very good one!"

"Well..." the Dean shrugged. "That's true. I've seen your transcript."

"You need to make a decision Dean," Magnitude said. "Do we paint her or not?"

"Paint her? Why would we paint her?" the Dean said.

"Look at the way she's dressed!" Vicki said. "She's a pirate!"

"Hold on," Britta said. "I'm dressed like a pirate because the theme is pirates."

"Only teachers are pirates," Magnitude said. "We paint all teachers."

"No..." Britta noticed a few students getting ready to shoot. "... but I talked to a student. He said the theme was pirates! I'm dressed like this because of a student! A fellow student!"

"I guess I can help with that," the Dean said. "It started as a pirate theme for everybody, but then Captain Wingbeard entered the game and took the theme over and stole any pirate costumes for his crew of miscreants I used to call my faculty!"

"Okay..." Britta said, noticing nobody had stopped aiming. "Well then, we've established that Jeff took over the pirate theme. I didn't know, but I'm not a pirate! I'm a student!"

"That doesn't mean you're one of us," Todd said. "We all know how close you were to Wingbeard."

"So what do I have to do to prove to you I'm not on his side?" Britta said. "I'm also close to the Dean."

"I'm really... I'm really more of a figurehead," the Dean said. "A title they gave to me when I supplied the costumes."

"Well that's great give me a-"

The words caught in Britta's throat when her phone rang. With her hands still bound she couldn't answer it. She tried to reach for it anyway but Vicki grabbed her and pulled the device from her pocket. Britta's eyes widened when she saw the face on the caller id.

"That's Annie!" Britta reached for her phone but paintball guns held her back. "Vicki you have to let me answer that! It's Annie!"

"So what?" Vicki said as the phone continued to ring. "She's just another collaborator like you."

"Vicki maybe should-" the dean began.

"No Dean we've had enough!"

Vicki pulled away, taking the device even further from Britta's reach. It still rang, but Britta knew it was dangerously close to going to voicemail.

"Shut up! Listen to me!" Britta said, her eye still locked on the phone. It buzzed in Vicki's hand. "Captain Wing... Jeff... everything he's doing is because of her! If she can... if she can talk to him... maybe he will stop! Please, let me answer the phone!"

For a long moment the entire crowd of students hushed, letting Annie's ringtone fill the clearing with its echos. Britta met Vicki's eyes, pleading with her to surrender the device. The ringtone neared its end and Britta looked around, helplessly for anyone that would help her. Any second now it would go to voicemail.

"I don't know..." Vicki said

Any second now.

"Give her the phone!" Neil said.

Vicki nodded and brushed past the students blocking her from Britta to hand over the phone. Britta released a breath she'd caught in her chest and reached for it. The moment she got it in her hands however, the call ended and the screen went blank.

"Someone untie me!" Britta said. "I can call her back!"

Magnitude grabbed hold of her binds and made quick work of it. Britta started dialing but her phone rang again. She fumbled with it, almost dropped it, even hit a couple of the wrong buttons, but in the end she finally answered it.

"Annie! Thank god you called back! What the hell is going on with you?"

" _Nevermind me_!" Annie said. " _Britta, what the hell is going on at Greendale_?"

"Um... unfortunately nothing out of the ordinary, except for Jeff-"

" _That's what I'm calling about_ ," Annie said. " _Jeff just tweeted something about killing cell phones for the entire school! I've been trying to call him but it says his phone is out of service_."

"Annie he's lost his mind since you didn't come back," Britta said. "Which clearly you can see if he's tweeting crazy things like that."

" _Britta, Greendale is in a cell signal dead zone, the only reason anybody gets any service is because they pirate the signals from the megachurch next door. If someone cuts the hardware that does that, or even shuts it down... that can kill cell service for the entire school._ "

Britta's first response was to laugh and tell her that Jeff would never do something like that... nobody loved phones more than him. But the way he'd looked when they talked about Annie in his cabin... she knew such a crazy move was very much in his wheelhouse at the moment.

"Annie," Britta said. "You need to get back to Greendale and talk to Jeff. I don't care if you lie to him about your boyfriend, you just need to talk to him so he'll calm down. I'm really worried about him."

Annie didn't respond right away. Britta listened to the silence for a moment before looking at her phone, making sure it was charged, or she hadn't lost the signal or something. Finally she heard Annie take a breath.

" _I knew I should have called him before I... no Trent, don't worry about it, I'm talking to my friend Britta. No, will you... I'll be back in just a moment I have to deal with this.._."

"Trent?" Britta said. "Annie please-"

" _Britta_ ," Annie said. " _You have to listen to me now, I don't know when I'm getting back but I need you to talk to Jeff for me until I can get there. I found someon-_ "

There was an audible click and Britta pulled her phone away from her ear again. Her lips tightened together in dismay as she looked at the screen. Not only had the call been disconnected, but her phone now read that it had no service. For a brief moment she just hoped it was because of her crappy phone, but she saw the other students around her stared at their phones, equally confused and disheartened.

"He did it..." the Dean said looking at his own phone. "The bastard finally did it! Greendale has been kicked back into the stone age! We only _just_ got out of it!"

"Someone get me a costume," Britta said. "This can only end one way now. Captain Wingbeard has to die, for pretendsies."

* * *

"It's done," Professor Burnside said as he entered the room and threw a tangle of circuit boards and wires onto the table. "Greendale is now a cell free zone."

"Good," Jeff said tossing Duncan his phone back.

Burnside nodded and chuckled before joining the other teachers over at the kegs. Duncan looked tempted to join him but he lingered next to Jeff. The taller man leaned over a table that displayed the Greendale Campus map. He'd personally taken the liberty of labeling it with the pirate appropriate names. Davey Jones Locker Room, English Memorial Spanish Center Harbor, and Wild Turkey Cove.

"Jeff... if I may..." Duncan approached him holding a bottle of rum... or at least alcohol now labeled rum. "... If we're pirates now, and really dedicating ourselves to the premise... shouldn't we have... continued to pirate cell service from the megachurch? Maybe even try to get more?"

"Being a pirate isn't just about stealing things," Jeff said.

"Actually that's fairly intrinsic to the definition, as is being in a boat," Duncan said. "It just seems odd that we killed all cell service in what is supposed to be a game."

"It's no game Duncan," Jeff looked up from the map. "Until I get my briefcase back. I want those dumb kids to know what it's like to have what they love taken from them."

"But what if someone gets hurt?"

"It's not like I cut any of the schools landlines Duncan," Jeff rolled his eyes. "I've just prevented them from being able to send soul crushing text messages to each other."

"Mhmmm..."

"Duncan, you're the first mate, not my good for nothing shrink, I don't need to be psychoanalyzed."

"That's debatable but fine, if you still want to ignore your motivations-"

"I know why I'm doing this," Jeff said then grabbed the bottle Duncan had. "But if you keep doing what you're doing, I'm cutting you off."

"Alright, easy, let's not cannonball off the plank," Duncan said. "What's the next step in your plan?"

"The dean and his kid army," Duncan said. "We need to eliminate them."

"That's not going to be easy..." Duncan said. "It's covered with trees. No way to get a clear shot while they pick us off. Not to mention their numerical advantage."

"Then we find a way to take that from them" Jeff said. "Dammit Duncan I want my paintball war! What about the custodians and janitors? Have we recruited them yet?"

"Sir," Professor Bublitz came running. "We... we have a visitor."

Jeff looked past the botany professor to see another pirate approaching. While Jeff's pirate costume reflected something closer to Jack Sparrow or Blackbeard, this newcomer bore threads even more flamboyant, complete with pompous epaulets and a hat that may have used an entire ostrich to plume it.

"I couldn't help but overhear," the newcomer said. "But even with the entire Greendale Staff on your side you're hopelessly outnumbered. The students outnumber you five to one. You have the advantage right now because they're just a bunch of lost boys and girls, but once they find each other and unite? They'll overrun you."

"So what's it to you?" Jeff lips curled. "...Dean Spreck."

"Oh for the purposes of our meeting I think you can call me Commodore Spreck," the City College Dean smirked. "I have a proposal for you gentlemen."


	5. Chapter 5

As he had said before, he had been stuffed in many lockers in his day... but he'd never been thrown into an entire locker room as a punishment. All in all it was probably an upgrade. Though to take a look around it sure didn't seem like it.

The teachers had doused every light save one, which the students huddled under. None of them wore costumes, instead they all bore the same clothes, Greendale Athletics Apartment tees and shorts. All in all there were fewer than he expected but there were still enough that Abed couldn't figure out why they were all there in the first place. The teachers only had two guards posted.

"This is where you belong Abed," Sheffield said from behind him. "With the rest of the trash that probably all liked _Moonlighting_."

"Am I going to have to wear shorts too?" Abed said.

"Captain Wingbeard has all pirate costumes confiscated and distributed to the faculty," Coach Bogner said, the only pirate that wore shorts as well as the students. "He wants the prisoners to be comfortable and have a full range of movement in their confinement."

"But in your case," Sheffield said. "We're going to let that rule slide... they'll love a pirate."

Sheffield shoved Abed into the Locker Room itself and immediately the students looked up and swarming around him, hooting and hollering and accusing him of being "The One". Sheffield laughed and watched as they dragged Abed to the center of the room.

"You did it! Didn't you!" One student said.

"You know who did!"

"Confess Pirate-wannabe!"

"Tell us where it is you scallywag!"

"Give us Barabbas!"

"Get off him! He's not a pirate wannabe and he didn't do it!" A new, but familiar voice came.

The students separated and Abed looked around to see the voice's owner. He used to listen to recordings of it so he could better distinguish it from others. By now he knew it by heart. If he was right, then in spite of being in a darkened room, things would be a little brighter.

"Abed?" a girl said as she approached. Abed gazed at her, wrinkling his eyebrows in concentration. Then she snapped her fingers in a gesture he recognized as someone remembering something. She produced a pair of glasses from her pocket and placed them on.

"Rachel!" Abed lit up, or as much as he could, embracing her. His mind raced... he hadn't planned on seeing her until their date later that evening. Maybe this was better?

"I thought you would still be asleep! Or at least not here! How did you even get here and why..." she looked over her shoulders at the students watching them. Her voice dropped before she continued. "... why are you dressed like a pirate?"

Abed allowed her to lead him to a more secluded section of the locker room. Abed found his hand wouldn't leave hers. He wasn't even playing a role at the moment, it was just something that felt right; which meant his decisions before he came back to Greendale were also right. His free hand dipped into his pocket and he gave himself a quick nod, the tiny, all important item he intended to give her was still there.

But there was no time for that, he filled her in on what had happened to him since coming back to the school and what Jeff had done. The students had gone back to huddling near the light and Abed found his attention drifting to whatever they were staring at.

"That was my 'previously on...' synopsis," Abed said. "What about here?"

"What's there to say?" Rachel said. "Any student Wingbeard suspects of stealing his property, he sends here."

"What do you mean?"

"When he took over, he started rounding up students in his law class, that's most everyone you see here," she said. "He accused them of stealing a briefcase or something. When no one confessed he started imprisoning any student he was suspicious of."

"So what are they looking at?"

"The gun," Rachel said.

Abed frowned and took a few steps closer to his fellow prisoners. Sure enough, a regular paintball gun sat on a small stool. The students around it merely stared at it or eyed each other suspiciously. Abed wrinkled his brows.

"So if there's just a gun sitting here, and only two guards... why is no one trying to use it to overpower them? We outnumber them like the ants to the grasshoppers in _A Bug's Life_."

"They don't need more guards than that," Rachel said. "No one is allowed to leave this room until someone confesses and shoots themselves. If anyone leaves, Wingbeard will give his entire class an automatic 'F'. If someone falsely confesses they all get an 'F'."

"But what about you and the others not in his class?" Abed said then his mind clicked with the answer. "Jeff controls the teachers, they'll fail you too."

"My IT professor swore she would do it," Rachel nodded at one of the two guards. Coach Bogner had left, replaced by a woman. "Wingbeard has oaths like that from all the teachers that have students here."

"Cruel but efficient," Abed said. "Fortunately he didn't consider one thing when he sent me here..."

Abed brought his lips up into what he knew to be rakish grin. He'd practiced it in front of a mirror, over the course of a month, after in depth studying of Harrison Ford and Johnny Depp. In spite of the semi-serious air he was attempting to cultivate he couldn't help but notice the way Rachel smiled at him. She got it.

"And what's that?" She said, generously giving him the set up.

"...I'm not a student."

Rachel quirked a brow, probably expecting a Jack Sparrow shout out instead of a statement of fact. Almost as quickly her eyes met his with a flash of recognition. Again she smiled that smile and she nodded.

"You can leave without threat of being failed or anybody being failed because of you."

Abed nodded then eyed a small closet on the far side of the locker room. "There's no lock on the equipment closet?"

"Well yeah," Rachel said. "There's nothing in there but sports supplies, not something that's going to really help you in a paintball game."

"Maybe, maybe not," Abed said before heading to the closet and rummaging through. the supplies. For a moment his eyes locked onto a hockey mask and a baseball bat. He could probably assemble four students to wear multicolored bandannas and talk like surfer dudes while doing ninja... but he didn't think that level of real violence would be acceptable. Besides, he was looking for something specific.

"I know this probably isn't the best time... but I'm really glad you're here," Rachel said behind him. "This last while with you in L.A. has been hard."

"Really?" Abed popped his head out of the closet for a second. "Because with the times I've had you visit, it feels like I've seen you more this year than I did the entirety of my last year as a student."

Rachel smiled and squeezed his shoulder. "It's just good to see you at Greendale."

"Well I'm going to have to fall onto a cliche for this one. Because in spite of the pirates and friends having non-magical non-christmas themed breakdowns..." he finally found what he was looking for and came out of the closet brandishing it like a trophy. "... there's no place like home."

"A sling shot?" Rachel eyed the hand held launcher. "What are you going to do with that?"

"We need to escape," Abed said. "And I doubt the students will let me take the paintball pistol. But they may let me borrow a few paintballs."

"What do you mean we Abed?" Rachel said. "You can go because you're not a student, but Professor Vertiga is right there. If I try to leave..."

Before she finished Abed pressed his lips to hers. He knew what she was going to say but he figured he needed to get the ball rolling. A kiss seemed like a good way to go. He still wasn't sure what the overall tonal shift was; until that time he was going to have to make his own. Enough elements had been brought into play that he knew where he was going.

"Okay Abed," Rachel said, pulling herself from him. "I know that in movies a kiss can be used to silence debate or work as a distraction but that doesn't answer my question or solve any of the problems."

"You're right," Abed nodded. "But it was worth a shot. Just trust me okay?"

"You know I trust you."

"Okay, then follow my lead."

* * *

Rachel took a deep breath before approaching the two teachers standing watch. Professor Sheffield, now sporting an eye patch and some sort of orange and black pirate get up glared at her but she turned her focus away from him. He didn't matter...Professor Vertiga did. Her IT instructor eyed her with those overly large eyes of hers and insane faux-hawk. In the back of her mind Rachel knew this was crazy, she could fail her class or get expelled if it didn't pan out exactly the way Abed explained.

"Go back with the others Rachel," Vertiga said. "I really don't have time to deal with the likes of you right now."

"I'm not feeling well," Rachel held her stomach. "I think I need to go to the health center."

"You heard Contessa," Professor Sheffield grunted. "We're not falling for it."

"And even if we did," Vertiga said. "There's no point, as long as I'm in the game your grade depends on doing whatever the hell I say."

"Professor," Rachel dropped the act for a moment. "This is a game, you can't honestly threaten my grade because I won't play by the rules."

"This is Greendale," Vertiga said. "And it's paintball, we can do whatever the hell we want."

"Okay, well how long do you think you'll be able to play paintball when my appendix bursts?" Rachel said.

"Nurse Jackie would shoot you the moment you stepped foot in the health center," Vertiga said.

"If you actually start looking sick we'll call an ambulance," Sheffield said aiming his pistol at her. "In the meantime I suggest you sit down before we take you out of the game permanently."

"Okay..." Rachel took a step back. "... Abed...?"

"Who's Abed?" Vertiga pulled her pistol. "That your little boyfriend?"

"We'll get him too," Sheffield said. "That's a promise. Unless you sit with the others right now."

"No, I don't think so," Vertiga said. "I think the students here need an example, just to show them how serious we are. Don't play the game, you get failed and you get painted."

"Abed I really think you shou-"

Before she even finished the sentence there was a whistle in the air and a splash of paint hit Vertiga square in the chest, followed by another one and another. She toppled backward while Sheffield swung his pistol around looking for where the paintball had come from. The air whistled again and the teacher barely managed to dodge out of the way for the incoming projectile.

By this point all the students in the room had stopped staring at each other and the lone paintball gun. They'd barely even paid attention when Abed had taken all of the gun's ammo except for one pellet. Now they watched in rapt attention.

"Come on out Abed!" Sheffield said, aiming his pistol into the darkened rows of lockers. "There's no escaping Davey Jones Locker Room. Not if you want to keep your grade in tact."

"Don't have a grade," Abed said from the shadows. "I'm not a student."

"Ah I see," the teacher grinned, his eye narrowing on a hint of movement in the dark. "You're a vigilante then."

"I have been in the past," Abed replied. "If I find a Batman costume once I get out, I will be again."

"You're never going to get the chance," Sheffield took aim and started squeezing the trigger.

The locker room echoed with the 'pop' of a paintball pistol but the teacher lurched as the paintball splattered on his back. He had been so focused on Abed that he didn't even think to worry about Rachel recovering Vertiga's pistol and shooting him from behind.

Rachel smiled, satisfied with herself as Sheffield fell to his knees and Abed stepped out of the shadows, holding nothing more than his slingshot. He'd only had the four paintballs to begin with. Rachel ran to him and gave him a quick peck on the cheek before the pair looked to the other students.

"You're free now," Abed said. "Let's go everyone!"

"You are maybe," one said. "You're not a student."

"But Wingbeard may be watching security footage," Another said.

"What if he comes here himself and checks on us?" still another said. "He'll know we left and fail us."

"Guys he can't fail all of you!" Rachel said.

"He's a teacher," came the reply. "He can do whatever he wants."

Abed sighed and shook his head then clasped Rachel's hand. "Let's go."

"She can't go!" a student piped up. "She's a student! She'll fail us all!"

"Who's going to fail me?" Rachel said. "Vertiga is out of the game. She's not going to be able to tell Wingbeard I left."

A dark laugh came from the lockers and they looked at Sheffield, having finally recovered from the sting of the paintball to the back and the shock of being so easily played. Clearly he had had a more epic death in mind.

"It don't matter kid," Sheffield said. "This lot... they know their place, and you're just an alumni spouting nonsense."

"I'll find a way, even if I have to get rid of Wingbeard himself," Abed said, taking Rachel's hand and heading for the door.

"Wait!" Sheffield lunged forward and grabbed Abed's arm. "I was planning on winning this year. You cost me that. I'll see you pay Abed. I promise you that!"

"You've already been painted," Abed pulled his arm loose. "Besides, whatever grudge you have against me is nothing compared to what will probably go down between Jeff and me. He's Ricardo Montalban to you're Benedict Cumberbatch."

"Of course you'd fanboy over old Trek without giving the new one its due," Sheffield shook his head. "But either way I will get my revenge Abed. From Hell's Heart I'll stab at thee!"

Abed merely raised a brow at the statement. There was nothing he could do now that he was out of the game. He couldn't even threaten them with failing. But something about the way he spoke... It brought up the idea of the theme of this years paintball game in Abed's mind. He was close to figuring it out.

"Come on Abed," Rachel tugged at his arm and they left Davey Jones Locker Room hand in hand.

* * *

For the most part, the school had rolled into the same eerie quiet that inevitably took it in every paintball game. The students not smart enough to form packs had been shot and sent home by this point, and the packs were either camping out and waiting to shoot each other, or holding meetings to determine if they would merge.

This put Abed in a strange position. For the first time in any paintball game he didn't have a group. Sure, Rachel stuck with him, he knew she always would, but neither of them were affiliated with a larger group. It was just the two of them against an entire school full of cowards, bullies, and turncoats.

As they entered the theater department and she ran up ahead to secure the area, he found a smile had come unbidden to his lips. She knew the rules of the game without him ever having to tell her or even trick her. She just knew.

"Coast is clear," she said as they moved back stage and into the dressing room. "Though I don't know that there's much left. I was hoping to find you a Batman costume."

Abed nodded, he had expected as much when they decided to detour to the drama department. He still wore his pirate garb, something he now knew would only hinder them if they wanted to help retake the school. He needed a fresh costume, one that fit with his theme. Unfortunately most the costumes had been picked clean by the other students scrambling to get out of their pirate suits.

In the end he wondered why he even bothered. The dressing room looked as bare as a Halloween store on November 1st. Nothing but a bunch of strewn rags, torn shirts, and empty hangers dangling on the walls. It appeared he was going to be stuck as a pirate for a while longer.

"Professor Garrity sometimes keeps costumes in his private dressing room," Rachel said and went to move past him but she stopped as she neared and reached out to grab his hand. "We'll find something for you."

For a moment they thought they heard more footsteps in the room and their hands dropped from each other and went for their weapons. When no one seemed to appear they slowly relaxed and made their way over to Professor Garrity's office.

"So I need to ask you Abed," she said as she worked on the door, it appeared to be jammed. "Why are you in the game anyway? I mean I know you love paintball but your not a student you can't win any sort of prize or be coerced into playing for a grade."

"Jeff," Abed said and saw her eyes cloud over in restrained anger.

"Abed, I love you but your friends sometimes..."

Abed noted her use of Hollywood's three favorite words but chose not to point it out. He knew that if he did he would go on some sort of tangent about character 'a' accidentally saying "I love you" to character 'b' and how it often drove narrative hijinks if that same sentiment wasn't reciprocated.

Instead he just reached into his pocket... it was still there. But this wasn't the time or the place for it yet.

"Jeff is in a lot of pain right now," Abed said. "He's built himself up with the promise of Annie coming back but has only just now realized he's getting a downer ending. Like the series finale of _Dinosaurs_ where everyone dies in the ice age, the finale of _How I met your Mother_ or the last crappy episode of _Cougarton Abbey_."

"Technically the finale of _How I met your Mother_ isn't supposed to be a downer," Rachel said, opening up a few closets.

"Tell that to the Barney/Robin shippers," Abed said. "And all the viewers that appreciate character growth and good tv."

"Okay," Rachel said. "So this is a downer ending for Jeff. What do we do about it?"

"I tried to talk to him..." Abed said opening a wardrobe but finding it full of gangster costumes, not his preference. "... we should have prepared him for the fact that not all stories have a happy ending. But he won't listen right now, he's in his own Neverland where he doesn't have to face it. We have to take him out of the game. Maybe then he can accept the ending to this story doesn't have to be a complete let down-"

"Like the series finale of _Seinfeld_ ," Rachel said.

Abed nodded. "It could just bittersweet like the end of _Quantum Leap_. Viewers can accept an unhappy ending if there's some nobility or heart in it."

"Pay dirt!" Rachel said as she opened a chest full of costumes.

Abed abandoned the Wonder Woman costume he had been contemplating and joined Rachel by the trunk. At first glance he wasn't seeing much that he would really be considering. He couldn't fight a paintball war in a toga. But they kept searching.

"So Jeff is Captain Hook," Rachel said, pulling out a green tunic. "Does that mean you're going to be Peter Pan?"

"That's playing his game..." Abed said, his eyes locked onto the tunic and things began to click together. Rachel set it aside but Abed kept looking at it. "...In order to beat Jeff I'm going to have to become someone else, become something else."

"Sorry, Abed," Rachel shrugged. "No Batman costumes."

"That's alright," Abed grabbed the tunic. "If the CW can make do with a Batman placeholder so can I."

* * *

Jeff sat in his cabin, lights off, swirling the last bits of rum in his tumbler. He never actually cared for the stuff, he was a scotch man through and through. But until the game was over this was his new drink. Outside, most the teachers had either gone off on patrols to find more students or had passed out. As was the case with Duncan, with half his body dangling off a table.

"You really think you're going to win your game if you're all drunk and depressed?" Whitman said.

"What are you still doing here?" Jeff grumbled.

"You said you'd deal with me later, I've been waiting patiently for that moment."

"Well keep on waiting," Jeff said. "You'll see how I win once I find that ridiculous resistance movement."

"And then what Jeffery? Will pretend killing your students make you feel any better?"

"Maybe," Jeff shrugged. "Beats the alternative of-"

A loud 'bang' of a door cut him off. Someone had entered the teachers lounge. He heard some of the teachers yelling, followed by the sound of paintball guns going off. Yet Jeff didn't reach for his pistol. He just sat back and swirled his rum around a bit more.

The sounds of struggle grew closer as the sentry guards were taken out. Whoever it was that was attacking them was good. Jeff had two possible guesses as to who it could be. He knew all the best players personally after all.

Duncan crashed through the entrance, a drunk mess but with no paint on him. A moment later a figure with a vaguely Robin Hoodish look stepped into the darkened room. His face obscured with a hood and a mask, he aimed a slingshot loaded with a paintball directly at Jeff's chest.

"Jeff Winger..." Abed's voice came out in an attempt to sound threatening. "...You have failed this school!"

"Abed," Jeff said casually, still not reaching for his weapon. "Congratulations on finding a way to make this game even nuttier. Might as well be Saturday morning cartoons now."

"They don't do Saturday morning cartoons anymore Jeff!" Abed grunted. "And your reign of terror is over!"

"See that's the thing Abed," Jeff said. "I haven't even gotten started, but removing you from the game will go a long way to rolling out my endgame."

"I've got the drop on you Jeff."

"Me yes, but the thing is, I was just paid a visit by Commodore Spreck of City College. He made me a very tempting offer. I'm still mulling it over but he left me a gift as a token of good faith. Seems like as good a time as any to premiere it."

Heavy footsteps came from the darkened corner of the cabin and Abed grip on the slingshot relaxed as he stared in shock at the latest revelation. If it were anybody else Jeff wished he could have seen Abed's face at the sight of his secret weapon.

"Well if it isn't Clint Eastwood," the Black Rider said, dressed as some sort of pirate assassin, complete with a black hood. "Only now he thinks he's Robin Hood."

The Black Rider fired his customized paint pistols and Abed barely managed to tumble out of the way, shooting back with his slingshot but also missing. The Black Rider sprang after him and Abed dashed from the cabin, yelling into a walkie talkie for tech support.

Jeff finally downed the rest of his rum and examined the contract Commodore Spreck had given him. He was about to pour himself another glass when he spotted something on the floor where Abed had tumbled away. For a moment he eyed Whitman but then decided he didn't really care what the man thought and went over to pick it up.

A thumbdrive. Abed had apparently had a thumbdrive in his pocket. Jeff examined it for a moment before palming it and slipping it into his own pants pocket. He would make sure to return it to Abed when the game was over... if they were still friends


End file.
